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Tech Bro Cult
"Our Tech Bro Cult has revolutionized the art of psychological dependency. We've created an ecosystem where humans voluntarily surrender their privacy, their time, and their sanity in exchange for dopamine hits from glowing rectangles. Innovation means making people feel inadequate unless they buy the newest gadget, then making the old gadget deliberately slow so they feel miserable."
Proud Accomplishments
- â–¸Designed smartphones to be physically addictive through infinite scroll and notification manipulation
- â–¸Engineered social media algorithms to maximize division and rage for engagement metrics
- â–¸Deliberately bricked functional devices to force unnecessary upgrades
- â–¸Created 'dark patterns' in UI design to trick users into subscriptions they don't need
Performance Metrics
Daily Screen Hours16.2
Data Points Harvested847B
Dopamine ReceptorsFRIED
Privacy Violations0 (Undetected)
This division is a registered subsidiary of Hell Holdings, LLC. All profits flow upward. All suffering flows downward. This is just how the free market was optimized.