Beelzebub 'The Spreadsheet' Johnson

Beelzebub 'The Spreadsheet' Johnson

Chief Financial Officer

"Every problem can be solved by cutting costs. Especially if those costs are human lives."

Annual Compensation$412M
Estimated Human Cost847,000

Corporate Feats

  • ▸Engineered 14 consecutive quarters of 'labor optimization' resulting in mass layoffs
  • ▸Created the 'Portfolio of Suffering' accounting methodology now used industry-wide
  • ▸Pioneered 'creative accounting' that makes $1B in profits appear as a $500M loss
  • ▸Developed algorithms that predict layoffs 6 months before announcement for insider trading

Documented Injustices

  • ✗Orchestrated a $9B accounting fraud that took 12 years to uncover
  • ✗Bribed 23 senators to vote against consumer financial protection laws
  • ✗Personally profited $200M from insider trading before each major layoff announcement

Notice: This executive's actions are fully protected under the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, Section 404, and the Supreme Court decision Citizens United v. FEC (2010). No personal liability has ever been assessed or will ever be tolerated.