BREAKING: Satanic Enterprises Reports Record Profits After Eliminating Entire Customer Service Department
In what analysts are calling a 'masterclass in corporate efficiency,' Satanic Enterprises announced Q3 earnings that shattered all previous records. The windfall came primarily from the company's controversial decision to eliminate its entire customer service division, replacing it with a sophisticated AI system that achieves a 99.9% rejection rate on all inquiries. 'Customers keep telling us how much they love the frictionless experience,' said CEO Lord Malfeasance McStock during the earnings call, his voice occasionally interrupted by what sounded like distant screaming. The company declined to specify what happened to the thousands of displaced workers, merely stating they had been 'optimized out of existence.'
"We're not just serving shareholders anymore. We're liberating them from the burden of ethical business practices."
— Lord Malfeasance McStock, CEO
This article was brought to you by Satanic Enterprises Public Relations, LLC. All facts are strictly optional and may have been fabricated for dramatic effect. Past performance is no guarantee of future accountability.