DEVELOPING: Local Factory Discovers Massive Cost Savings After 'Accidentally' Venting Toxic Waste Into Water Supply
Environmental regulators are praising Satanic Enterprises after an internal audit revealed that the company's Midwest manufacturing plant had been inadvertently saving money by dumping industrial waste into the local water supply. The 'accident,' which company officials say has been occurring 'pretty much since the plant opened in 1952,' has resulted in measurable cost savings that have been passed on to consumers in the form of slightly cheaper products. Local residents have reported various health issues, which the company attributes to 'statistical noise' and 'pre-existing conditions related to being human.' An EPA official who visited the site has since been appointed to the company's regulatory compliance board.
"Going green means going into the green. We turned their water supply into a cost center and their health into our profit margin."
— Vladimir N. Profitov, Chief Investment Officer
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